when stars flew across my room

hello stranger. it seems so surreal here. i'm in this crazy little world of my own where you are nonplussed and nonchalant to the things around you. i feel nothing. nothing at all. perhaps i'm just ignorant of the tangible things beside me. maybe i'm just trying to hide my face away from you, snuggling away in the my own personal veranda of comfort.



it's my fault i know. it always has been.
perhaps my reticent heart tells me not to let go, not to release.

hello stranger. where have you been.
and here I am wishing it has all been a dream.

Dear You, yes you.

I don't really know how to tell you this, but I'm in love with your cat. I think I realized it that night when I saw the purple monkey at the Elton John concert and when you hit on the elephant in the corner. I'm sure you're open enough to understand that I get turned on only by garbage men. I'm returning your toe ring back to you, but I'll keep your suicide note as a memory. You should also know that I hate your cooking and I'm scratching my ass as you read this.

Best of luck on the sex change.

Joel :)

there you were sitting alone and looking out of the tram in shirt, shorts and slippers.
it's as if you were starring in an old hongkong movie, sans bruce lee.
the smell pervades the entire place as you shrug, thinking it's just that same old rustic smell you would encounter every other day.
your mind tricks you into thinking that wanchai bears an uncanny resemblance to chinatown as jamie cullum's everlasting love was ringing on your headphones.

"oh great. how apt," you lamented

everything seems to pause then as you go into deep thoughts, thinking about the simple things in life and then finally, you missed your stop.

"wake up boy, wake up from your lucid dreams."

so here i am at the budget terminal waiting for my flight to beautifulllll saigon. i'm tired.

see you on the 23rd

what am i supposed to say; it went sooooo well! and i really have my committee members to thank because i know i'll definitely not be able to pull the bonding camp and the actual sessions through without their help.

thank you comm members and my dear group 3 for your help and support and i pray and hope you guys do learn and grow from this experience too.


( some pictures )

pardon my grammar and spelling. it's 2.30am now. :(

--
dear Lord

i want to thank you for so many things this year. thank you for making me an even more mature, stronger and better person and thank you for seeing me through over this hectic period in my life.

thank You for wonderful classmates, whom is always there for me whenever im down. where we can always talk cock sing song and suan each other till the cow comes home. and one day i hope they'll realise that it's always been a joy for me to attend school because of their company.

thank You for hunnybunnies - kahfai, huihui and geraldine. they are the best projectmates i could ever want because we always complement one another perfectly when we do our assignments together. thank you for letting me have a personal relationship with each and everyone of them and that i know life with them is not only about projects only

thank You for xavier and kahfai, where i can talk to them about almost everything. thank You for letting them be so ever patient with my whimsical nonsense and wallowing and i really appreciate the fact that they're there for me all the time.

thank You for syahid, whom i can turn to for advice and help whenever i need one. thank You for letting him be there for me everytime i need him. i will always remember him as a matured yet full of shit guy at times hahah.

thank You for sandra, whom i can always talk to about the little things in life and i hope she realizes that the little things she says and does sometime always gets to me, and i always learn from it and be a better person.

thank You for daryl, that ass who used to be my schoolmate and now is my freaking neighbour hahaha. thank You for the wonderful friendship that i have with him and that we can always have all the stupid boy talks with each other even though life is getting busier nowawadays for both of us.

thank You for kenneth, that guy who will always fight and stand up for his friends. thank You for making him so mature and direct in hia opinions on life and course, may You continue this great guy friend of mine whom i've known for 6 years now.

thank You for the other clique and great group of coursemates - syl, horace, wenjie, rosanna, xingdan, hiutung, kim man, logen and gang, for always inviting me for their gatherings and sharing with me answers for tutorials hahaha. life so much fun with them around.

thank You for the shanghai people - devo, kelly, jacq, larry, aneesa, elaine, juin wen, peijiao, zihui wendy and many more, of which our friendship is still going strong. it's always great to talk to them and see them around school. it makes it more heartwarming to be in school because i get to see alot of people i know hahaha.

thank You for the baoc people - aaron, smelLEE, marcus, ben, kim, philson, BUTTERCUP, joeline sexysexy, claudia and the rest, of which i learnt so much from working with them. thank You Lord for great friendships with kim, joeline sexy sexy and BUTTERCUP and i pray that my friendship with them will grow stronger year after year.

thank You for my BAGOAL committee - syahid, cheeyau, tohtoh, hock, rachel, sheila, SUXin, DENtergen michelle, CHINBEI, zhanyi, jzeying and robinnnnhoood! for they are the BEST TEAM i have ever led and worked with in my life. Lord i pray that You will bless this team who always put others above themselves and may you see the wonderful works that they do for the kids. I pray that some of them will also come to know you as their personal Lord and saviour and realise that there is also more to life than just giving also.

thank You for the YOUTH committee for church - angela, nat, leticia, darren, weizhen, weimin and daniel. I pray that you will also lead them and guide them in their walk with You and may they grow to be fine young men and women of Christ.

thank You for the children's choir O God and thank you for Deb & Gayle. thank You for this ministry that i can lead and serve in. Although tiring, it has been a joy serving and teaching them songs to praise Your wonderful name. May you also bless them and guide them and I pray that you will help them remember the meaning of the songs so that in times of trouble or praise, they will remember Your words and Your promises.

--

finally, thank You for a wonderful and great family. thank You for a Dad who always love me albeit being strict and harsh at times when i do wrong but i thank him for that because i know that what he does to me will ultimately make me a man of honour, a man of courage and a man of love. thank You for a Mum who always complement my Dad and show her soft side to her children, always protecting and nagging at me and sis because she loves us so so so much.

lastly, thank You for a wonderful sister. thank You for Jocelyn who always help me to do my things whenever I'm busy, who always not touch my things and asks me for my permission before touching it, who always seeks my opinion whenever things in her sides goes awry, who always respected me a an elder brother.

Lord I pray that you will bless us and guide us closer to you so that we will grow spiritually stronger as a family.

--

Thank You for You, for sending your one and only son to die on the cross for my sins and save me from the depths of darkness. Thank You Lord and let me be reminded of the true meaning of Christmas.

Amen.

after seeing my friends with such relationship issues, i kinda pictured myself in his shoes.

i think if i were in his situation, i would crumble too. and it kinda baffles me that i've said so many things to him when i myself think that i can't even handle it. but i won't, you see. because there's too many things going in my life that is keeping me occupied.

then again, sometimes i do feel alone and lonely. and all i want is companionship, not a relationship - someone who will be there for me and talk to me when i'm down, someone who can give opinions on the things i say/do, someone who will be able to support the decisions that i choose to make in life and finally, someone who can help me keep the faith.

but then again, there's only one girl who could do that. yes the same one after one long year. but she didn't. and perhaps she'll never know that she was the one who broke my heart.

dang.

i just realised that there's too much going on in my life.

and it kinda eats me up as i juggle from school, piano, yf, children's choir, french, business projects, bagoal, waterpolo. yes my dear, 8 things going on concurrently in my life.

tell me how am i supposed to take it?
somehow i feel peeved at myself because i feel that im doing so much things and im not doing it well. it makes one condemn oneself into being a loser.

let's see. i didn't score as well as i wished in my studies, i still cant speak french properly after learning it for 5 years, i think im gonna fail and let john down for my theory after letting him coach me for a year, all my business projects seem to fail everytime i set up one. and polo; i cant even shoot properly after being there for a year half.

tell me, if im not a freaking failure then what am i.

no point teaching and explaining people stuffs. no point telling people either.
because they're gonna misunderstand you and everybody will then think you're a big bad wolf.

oh well. life's unfair. bite the bullet joel. face it.

never once in my exams does my balance sheet ties.
now. everytime i'm at work, it always ties.

tie = work done faster
work done faster = more work given


wahlau someone please shoot me.

i want to thank my parents for allowing me go on the shanghai trip. made lots of new friends and i've learnt many things along the way. when speakers from various companies speak it made me realised that a model that works in one place might not necessarily work in another. which seems to me that we have to specially cater everything to suit various people.

perspectives. hm.


i cant seem to upload my pictures on flickr.
nehmind. i'll get it done at work tomorrow heh.

it's 2.46 now and i have to wake up and leave for the airport at 4.
aiyah i'm not gonna sleep already lah

cheeeenaland here i come!

shanghai in 4hrs
results also in 4hrs

i dont know whether to be excited or fearful

i feel really bad now because i felt that i did something that is not right, again.

it kinda sucks especially when you really set your heart and aim to try to get rid of the lies and sins you commit, all goes well for a while and then, you sin again. and then when you try it one more time, the whole cycle just repeats itself again.

i'm not some great christian guy people can emulate and i face a lot of troubles too. and it just gets so sickening when you try not to do the wrong things but then you still succumb to it inadvertently.

it's really bugging me now. sigh